Which Way Did They Go?
Image by Annie Spratt on Unsplash.
If you were to sit down with my wife and I and interview us on the current state of our marriage, you would find that the greatest area of stress for both of us – more than money or sex – is parenting. For us, parenting brings to the forefront our different philosophies, role models, personalities and goals . . . and sometimes it isn’t pretty. Adding to the complication, we’re both listening to a variety of outside opinions . . . from podcasts and books to our parents and our friends. We’re left sprinkling ‘a little of this and a little of that’ in with our own parenting styles, often leading us to use different approaches. And too often that results in our kids pitting Mom and Dad against each other in our attempt to reach the same destination.
As author Andy Andrews says, “Remember, the goal is not to raise great kids; it’s to raise kids who become great adults.”
But how do we get there? There’s four ways available to help us reach our destination. The first three are the most common and the ones we’ll cover today . . .
My Way: This is where I struggle the most . . . where my short temper and over-controlling personality can get me in trouble. When I try to parent ‘my way,’ it looks a little (or a lot depending on the day) like the cute kid in the mall wearing the monkey backpack with the leash attached to it . . . when the kid heads toward the candy store, the parent yanks the leash in the opposite direction. Why? Because I know candy is bad . . . I have had cavities to prove it . . . and I don’t want you to make the same mistake I did. The formula looks something like this . . .
My Agenda + My Life Experiences = My Way
My friend Tim Elmore of Growing Leaders advises that as parents we do the following because we already know what is best for our children.
1) risk too little
2) we rescue too quickly
3) we rave too easily
Your Way: This would be the opposite extreme. Hands-off parenting. Our kids learn the burner is hot by touching it once. As Richard and Linda Eyre explain in The Entitlement Trap, kids are being raised “in a reality show world thinking that they are the central character on the stage.”
You’re probably familiar with Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” I always assumed it was speaking to parents about the right way to raise children. But recently, while reading Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World, author Kristen Welch introduced me to the original meaning of this Scripture. This verse is actually intended “as a solemn warning rather than a promise.” Meaning that as parents, if we quit the hard work of loving discipline and just give in, letting our children have their own way, we will reinforce their sinful proclivities to such a degree that, “even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Their Way (The World’s Way): In case you didn’t realize it, our kids are being bombarded with messages. A 2008 Princeton study, estimates that our children are being exposed to upwards of 40,000 advertisements a year. Why? Because experts concluded that children ages 2-14 sway over $500 billion of annual household purchases.
The world is telling them they are not skinny enough, athletic enough or smart enough and they are bringing that perception of themselves to their parents and we are (literally) ‘buying’ into the lie. Doctors are now diagnosing kids with Facebook depression . . . a result of comparing the number of ‘friends’ they have and the number of ‘likes’ they may or may not be getting.
All of us use at least parts of these when it comes to our kids, but there’s a fourth way that we should be continually striving for, check back next week for more on that. In the meantime, which of these ways best describes your parenting right now?
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